Oh life.

Blogged this sometime last year but I never got to finish and publish it for some reason. Now that I read it again, I guess it’s worth publishing after all.

Life has been so hard for me lately, in all aspects – love, family, career, money, and self. I never thought that it could be THIS hard.

Everything just went spiraling down since the beginning of 2022, wait actually 2019 and it never went back up.

I just feel so unhappy and unfulfilled. Dreams are not coming true, my plans and goals feel further away each year and my relationship with the people I love seems to either fade or have become damaged and ‘even more’ damaged.

I wasted so many opportunities, wasted trust (because of money), and had major money problems, and now, because of my desire to work from home, my 11 years worth of career is ruined because of a major employee case filed against me by our manager who hates me so much.

It just makes me so sad because I can’t believe that life would turn out to be this way for the ‘Cath’ I once knew – so full of hope, positivity, and joy that comes from within. Now, I’m just a damaged, sad person who pretends to be happy and unaffected.

I envy my friends and batchmates who now have happy family lives. Happy to be with someone they chose to love and marry, accepted by their families, and treated well. I don’t have that, and I am already losing hope that that would ever be possible for me.

I’ve been trying so hard and fighting too long, praying for acceptance and an open mind but it’s been 13 years and it just gets worse. I’ve always dreamed of having my future kids and husband become super close to my immediate family, having family trips, eating family lunches and dinners, and spending major holidays together but time and again, my sister firmly assures me that it will never happen. And that just makes me so sad and hopeless. It’s a dead end.

I guess it’s true what they say, that you can never get the best of both worlds because if I chose to marry my constant, then I lose my sister or my family.

A year, nine months and twenty-one days older

A VERY belated new year and birthday to me!

I intentionally haven’t written for months and have skipped the annual year-ender because I’ve been worriedly thinking about my future and all the things to come (including my parents’ vacation).

It was an act that’s definitely not me, cause I am someone whose faith is like that of a child — trusting and worry-free. I haven’t lost my faith (don’t get me wrong) it just probably comes with age — you think about ALOT of things.

I have also been very busy keeping myself distant from people because for once in my life I felt like my life is going nowhere. Everything just seems like a well-thought plan that is kept in a journal, perfectly planned but not executed — more like a really good dream to say the least, which made me feel really sad and helpless.

And so now, I ‘feel like’ I have finally recovered a little bit and found that urge to write again.

I still feel lost today — I guess more lost than ever because I HAVE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO, but I still can’t do them and it is so frustrating.

One good thing about the past months is that a shit-load of years-worth of secret has been lifted off my chest. Yes, we are official, at least to my immediate family. It was so unexpected but I can not believe its finally out there. I feel that its not yet fully accepted but I trust that it is going to work out just fine and we’ll get there and THAT makes me happy (really, really happy).

As of today though, my sister is still not happy about it and although I totally understand why she’s against it — when I have explained it to her like a thousand times (and more) her personal attacks are slowly penetrating me and it hurts like hell to a point that I am beginning to feel like I really have no sister to lean on to and I am really starting to feel so sad, full and tired of it all.

Until now, I still dream of the day when she would finally listen to me and trust my decision. I guess by then I would really be truly happy (and I hope that, that is also what she wants, because as of today, she has made it her life’s mission to make me feel bad about choosing to stick with my constant and of what is to become of our future together).

Annnnd alot more has transpired this 2019 — some ups and alot of downs.. but yey! cause I survived again. THANK YOU JESUS! I am still sane and holding on to my faith really tight.

😽

New beginnings

photo from livingwithgod.org thru google images

Happy New Year to all!

I have the slightest idea how I want to write my yearender, I actually haven’t thought of it that much..

2012 — I can say has been a balanced year for me, there were the constant downs and the unexpected ups but it was far from being too drastic, it was pretty fair.

A year filled with blessings such as merit increases and job promotions, new friends and new family members. Answered prayers and fulfilled dreams that I never really imagined I could do — I’m a legit diver now.

Of course my year wouldn’t be complete without the same old visit of mr sadness once in a while though not that much this year. I still feel so emotionally down sometimes but because of God I never felt alone.

I am thankful for the people I love and those who love me back and for good health and provisions. I can never thank God enough for everything he’s done and given me all the years of my life. 2012 may not be that perfect but Im grateful that I made it through with a contented heart and a smile on my face.

Now for 2013, with my whole heart, I lay my life on God, because without a doubt I know that it would be another worthwhile journey.

🙂

Dawn

From istockphoto.com (obviously)

 

Exactly the opposite of my previous post.

I am now 8 months (and counting), living-away-from-home again with the same person. And for the first time in our just-turned 4th year relationship, I wouldn’t be ranting about anything.

I am happy. Just bored and home-sick sometimes but I am happy.

Happy with how things (relationship wise and financial wise) have immensely improved. Happy that now, I can say that really, my prayers are slowly getting answered. I have a great job, I have transferred my dog to my parents house (though i really miss him so much), business is doing fine and steadily getting better. I have new great friends, I have some whole-day-alone time (just like now haha). I can buy things.

For my post New year and Birthday thankies:

Im very thankful of all the blessings I have (protection, life, career, family, friends and love). I know I wouldn’t have gone through all the bad days of my life without God’s help and I know that He’s always just there to guide me.

🙂

come what may

Nobody knows what’s instore for them tomorrow, tonight even the next second.. It’s like your playing chess, trying to figure out what your next move’ll be, while being clueless of the other’s plans. I have not proven anything “that” big in my life yet, but i know and i have learned through the many years of living here on earth that, our life is really full of surprises. Surprises that would make you smile, laugh and even cry.. I guess in a way it’s kind of cool (that life is like that) because it makes us look forward to whatever’s next.. (not unless you did something wrong and you’re really guilty.. DUH!) You have to admit that a little mystery now and then spices it up and makes it more interesting and meaningful.. 🙂 imagine if life is soo predictable like once you’re born, you go with a book that says everything you’d be doing in your life or a video with your life “fast-forward” .. That’ll be boring! you woudn’t think anymore, its useless to try new things, its not fun because you wouldnt have the opportunity to do something for the first time and discover what’ll happened next, to learn what’s right and what’s wrong.. Well of course for some reasons, even i, wish that i would have a glimpse of what would happened next in my life.. especially when youre expecting an answer to what seems like your life long prayers and wishes.. I guess its just a matter of waiting and having faith because i know that our lives are planned by God in the way that He knows best suits us.. Accepting life as it is wouldn’t make things worse for you in fact it would make it a lot easier. In the meantime while we wait for what’s instore for us and for new things to learn we can always live our lives to the fullest (an emphasis to that its spelled with a “U” not with the double “O” 🙂