In line with this Lenten Season, I’d like to let all my hurt out believing that time heals all wounds.
I’m not angry – that’s for sure, but I am hurt and so tired to the point that I want to hibernate and be gone for a while.
I’ve gotten too tired of being told over and over again that I am the cause of our impending sister-gap — when in fact (as Ive also told them time and again) that I am not and have no intention of doing so.
To be blamed by my sister and my mom about my dad’s health conditions and his stress. To be told that, I am the cause of my parents’ broken promises and words and to be blamed in case my dad gets some heart problems — is for me too rude, offending and wrong! Because I have never, even in thoughts, imagined and wished that on them.
Its not just that, I also don’t understand why when you finally open up and tell the truth that’s when things turn around and they start doubting you — but they expect you to be very honest with them because of the “we’re family and that we are supposed to stick together and who would understand you better but us..” pep-talk.
What hurts the most is when I realized a few weeks ago, that I can not expect any help from my own sister. Its a first for me to really beg someone for hours just to borrow something that I really need at that time — the car, to be exact. She got even worse when I told her that I really need it so bad, and that she was my one and LAST option.
I know she has an issue with my constant, but its me asking to borrow and its not that she was my first option because I promised my dad I will not borrow again to prevent quarels. I’ve looked and asked others (imagine I had to do that, when we actually have a car we can take turns using) but when there’s none available, that’s when I turned to her hoping she would appreciate my effort of looking for other options before asking her — but I was SO WRONG.
And between the three-hour-begging-and-squabbling, somewhere between her sentences came out that she was actually ashamed of me and to top it off, when she finally allowed me to get the car, right outside our house, she was ready to pounce on my constant, to further embarrass me, make a scene and she even pointed her finger over and over at me. Definitely was the worst feeling ever.
It hurts because I am damn sure that if it was my cousins or relatives and her friends in a situation like she would be very approachable, helpful and accomodating.
Then people say I cause the gap and I move away? Who would want to spend time with someone who treats you like that and is embarrassed of you?
I hope Ill never come to a point that I will ask her for help again because I know now that she will not be there.
Im so tired — of all of them, really.
I still hope that someday, things will turn out to be exactly the opposite of all these. That I can share my happy experiences and adventures with my family – because it would be so much special that way.
My heart feels so heavy ever since because it feels like I can not depend on anyone else – I am like a man stuck on a boat, stranded in the middle of the ocean, with no choice but to keep paddling and fighting big waves ahead all by myself.
But as always, I know God is there to help me get through this and move on.
I can only hope that this is the last of my “sob-blogs” but until then, Ill keep myself busy paddling.