To the only guy I am crushing on for the past two years…

Oh hello there prince charming!

That monday experience was really something — besides it being the closest face-to-face encounter I’ve ever had with you, it was also the day I felt we really are worlds apart.

You’re eyes are so beautiful – I can still see how you’ve fixed your eyes on me even if it was just for 3 seconds. I really really like you because you seem so friendly and approachable, considering that you are a celebrity.

It is so rare that our paths cross that I would always wish to see you or pass by you in the office halls every single day because it just makes my day complete. There was even a time, in one of those rare moments that you smiled at me, gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder and motioned for me to go ahead because you are such a gentleman — and I instantly felt like I was in heaven FOR MONTHS!

But that “june monday” changed everything for me.

The look you gave me when I smiled at you and asked to enter the door (which by the way you were blocking) TRULY made me feel FUGLY (fat and ugly) and I have never, in my life, felt that way.

Yes, yes, I know, I am chubby and probably not your type at all and you were probably not in your best element and in a bad mood but that scrutinizing look, almost a look of disgust, crumbled my heart and sucked all my self-esteem.

Everything felt like a blur after that, that somehow my feet found its way infront of a mirror and I just stared at myself. And even though, I’ve always known I was chubby, it was just then that I realized I AM FAT and decided that I don’t like what I see.

I’ve been told by people close to my heart that I need to lose some weight countless times and I’ve tried, also countless times — sometimes a success but most of the time a fail or a relapse, so believe me when I say it is SO HARD to lose weight let alone maintain it.

But this time, I am determined to get my college weight back and be the girl that I once were. I guess, when you expect so much from someone and they shrug you off, it affects you in a way that is almost life-changing (almost because this I still have to see).

Thanks prince, I did not expect that and this, but maybe it really is time to make some changes and I need to break away from this round body for health (and love).

I just wish you would still be there to see the new me and maybe then you’d open the door for me with willingness and a smile.

😘

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Because its always good to remember and reflect — a late post

In line with this Lenten Season, I’d like to let all my hurt out believing that time heals all wounds.

I’m not angry – that’s for sure, but I am hurt and so tired to the point that I want to hibernate and be gone for a while.

I’ve gotten too tired of being told over and over again that I am the cause of our impending sister-gap — when in fact (as Ive also told them time and again) that I am not and have no intention of doing so.

To be blamed by my sister and my mom about my dad’s health conditions and his stress. To be told that, I am the cause of my parents’ broken promises and words and to be blamed in case my dad gets some heart problems — is for me too rude, offending and wrong! Because I have never, even in thoughts, imagined and wished that on them.

Its not just that, I also don’t understand why when you finally open up and tell the truth that’s when things turn around and they start doubting you — but they expect you to be very honest with them because of the “we’re family and that we are supposed to stick together and who would understand you better but us..” pep-talk.

What hurts the most is when I realized a few weeks ago, that I can not expect any help from my own sister. Its a first for me to really beg someone for hours just to borrow something that I really need at that time — the car, to be exact. She got even worse when I told her that I really need it so bad, and that she was my one and LAST option.

I know she has an issue with my constant, but its me asking to borrow and its not that she was my first option because I promised my dad I will not borrow again to prevent quarels. I’ve looked and asked others (imagine I had to do that, when we actually have a car we can take turns using) but when there’s none available, that’s when I turned to her hoping she would appreciate my effort of looking for other options before asking her — but I was SO WRONG.

And between the three-hour-begging-and-squabbling, somewhere between her sentences came out that she was actually ashamed of me and to top it off, when she finally allowed me to get the car, right outside our house, she was ready to pounce on my constant, to further embarrass me, make a scene and she even pointed her finger over and over at me. Definitely was the worst feeling ever.

It hurts because I am damn sure that if it was my cousins or relatives and her friends in a situation like she would be very approachable, helpful and accomodating.

Then people say I cause the gap and I move away? Who would want to spend time with someone who treats you like that and is embarrassed of you?

I hope Ill never come to a point that I will ask her for help again because I know now that she will not be there.

Im so tired — of all of them, really.

I still hope that someday, things will turn out to be exactly the opposite of all these. That I can share my happy experiences and adventures with my family – because it would be so much special that way.

My heart feels so heavy ever since because it feels like I can not depend on anyone else – I am like a man stuck on a boat, stranded in the middle of the ocean, with no choice but to keep paddling and fighting big waves ahead all by myself.

But as always, I know God is there to help me get through this and move on.

I can only hope that this is the last of my “sob-blogs” but until then, Ill keep myself busy paddling.

Work dooms-day

VERY UNEXPECTED.

Yesterday was a very sad day at work to say the least because many of our colleagues were layed off and no one expected it to happen.

This already happened on 2015, it was sad then but this year’s version was devastating. Before, the company was considerate enough to speak with the immediate department heads first a week before the HR calls on the candidate to give the news — so people get to prepare themselves or go on and start looking for a new job. This year, it came like a thief in the night.

Nobody knew what was going on, why people are being called to the HRs office until rumors rose that people are being sent off home. Every waiting minute was torture for everyone — its like waiting for your death sentence.

It saddens me everytime I think about it because for years — even if I am not that close to some of them, the nods and smiles in the hallways sure felt they/we were family. Most of them also has families to feed and having a job is very crucial.

I feel for them and I pray that they won’t have a hard time looking for a new job, that they get hired soon.

I am so grateful and thankful that I still have a job — a job that I love and a company that I learned to love.

My BIG FIX year

Hello 2018! A little late for my year-ender/year-opener because I wanted to test the waters first but anyway THIS IS IT! — the year I’ve been waiting for.

2017 was a really harsh year for me to say the least. Like what I have said on my previous post – the pain caused by people you trust and believed in is such that even if you want to fight back, you can’t anymore because your anger has eaten your whole being and it just paralyzes you. I am now more damaged emotionally than I have ever been before. I guess if there is one thing I have mastered for years, its being able to hide behind a smile and a laugh that seems like there is no more tomorrow. The trick worked wonders for me for many years but one really gets tired – everything has its end.

When I decided to move on with the anger and with my life apart from my relatives, I finally and truly gave it all up to God. I searched for answers for the whole of 2018, wasted my time on my anger, on getting back at them and for knowing the truth. I cried almost every night asking God to just show me who did all these, asking God what I did to those people because I believe I do not deserve such horrible treatment. I remember, towards the middle of all that, someone told me to let go because if you keep chasing the truth, it will never land on your lap. He said that, knowing your relatives, they will definitely bite their own tongues, that truth will come out — But I didn’t believe that and I chased until I got too tired.

Even after all these, I guess I am still blessed because besides the constant negatrons in my life, I have someone constant doing just the opposite — feeding me with positivity, hope and happiness. It was and still is a really big help because aside from God, he gives me strength and focus to move forward and rise above all these. And so, towards the end of last year, I promised myself to never look back and just focus on what I need to do for myself — its me time again! I learned in life that I need to be whole as a person again before I can truly give back to those who I really care about and for me to feel true happiness again.

At that time, maybe God felt I was ready and He gave me the answer I was searching for. What “my constant” told me was true! They (relatives) we’re the once who unknowingly gave themselves away. My aunt moved in with my parents and in one of their conversations just a week after they have settled, it slipped right out of her mouth asking “innocently” about a facebook photo she saw of me and someone (details of the story will be in another blog). Its funny because my sister never told anyone about that photo that was sent to her and you will never be able to see photos of that person unless you really researched about them/him because all their accounts are private and we have no common friends at all — the nerve of them really trying their best to research and come up with shitty stories just to ruin people! To think they were active church-goes and to look me in the eyes last Christmas when we met as if they have done nothing wrong!

I have to admit that when I heard about that I felt like I was ready to kill the dragon! It was what I have been waiting for! But my constant told me let it go and just let them be, because it was already victory for me knowing that I was right all along — that it was them and that it came out of their own lips. That my greatest victory is to show them that THEY were wrong!

I still get angry once in awhile but I am more determined than ever to move on from the hell-hole they put me in and just forget about them – literally. It sounds bad, but I believe it is the right thing to do, for me at least, because until I keep trying to include them in my life, I will never heal and they will never let me heal.

So for 2018, its time to rise and shine! Fix my self physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My fresh start begins with my parents visiting home after 3 years and opening up kept secrets for 9 years because its time to start with a clean slate. It will be tough but I know that that will just be at the beginning and acceptance is on its way. I know that blessings come in different forms and as always, God never fails to take care of me and look after me.

I can do this!

 

Anger > hate > bye!

Been gone for a few months because life got too tough once again. I’ve never in my life, imagined I would get to a point where I got too consumed with my anger that turned into so much hate until one day, I could no longer feel anything at all.

I guess that is both good and bad – for me at least. Good because then I can say I am slowly moving on (I’d like to think, I am healing at some point), and bad because sooo much hate turned to forgetting them and not wanting them to be part of my life, like I don’t give a damn about them.

So in line with the passing of all the Halloween/Death month I am posting this. RIP to my once so angered heart (and hoping against hope that it will not be triggered) and my care to those who do not care (about me) – I am so DONE with all of you.

My “dementors” ruined the person that I once was and changed me forever – negatively. So I used to say that I will return the deed and ruin them as well. But time and chance did not go along with my plans this time and being that it got stuck inside my mind, my heart and my whole being (adding in new offenses they throw at me time and again) – crushed me to pieces. 

At that point I have to admit, I felt cornered, alone and lost – a hundred times and more. There were times when I woke up at night because there were tears in my eyes and my heart is pulpitating. No one to share the pain and anger with because its true that nobody REALLY understands what you are going through. 

Even more worse is the reality that the people ruining you are the people you’ve spent almost half of your life with, people who sort-of honed me while growing up and who I listened to and followed when I was young. I have never imagined that I will personally experience the truth that the most painful heartbreak you will ever get will come from those who are closest to your heart – I never imagined that they, (of all people) would do these to me, never! (Considering all the Christian values they still speak of).

But I am still blessed, because my faith is strong and it kept me going. Although I do not literally hear an answer when I talk to God, I felt it, in more ways than I could ever count – He never left me.

He also gave me someone who I shared some similar sentiments with and knocked a bit of sense to my emotionally lost self.

Sooo now, I’d like say goodbye because you all are so tiring and I have a whole life to live and fix ahead of me. You’ve ruined much of it and me already and I am not going to make you win anymore! 

💩

Ugh, stressed

Feeling a bit stressed this week not just because of work (a good thing though, since it has been a while) but of the car-thing coming up so fast.. Times like this, reminds me to ask why time flies so fast. 

Anyway, this week also, I finally decided to jump in and join the band wagon of people trying out something to make themselves lose weight. Exactly my third day on my road to fitness journey (the BeFab way) and I feel like nothing has changed yet, but I am slowly being able to control my food cravings (so yay!). I hope this pays off because I want to be how I used to be 9 years ago (I think).

Also just finished watching the whole 7 seasons of Pretty Little Liars and am missing them like heaps but I am not a big fan of how it ended (that would be on another blog).

I feel blessed though that I think, I finally found a small company who could give me continuous freelance projects for extra income. Projects have been slowly coming in and I hope the company booms so that Ill get showered with more projects from them (keeping my fingers crossed).

Thats it for now, Ill update soon.

Le dream

Good morning!

Its that dream again – the dream that feels so real like it really happened but when you wake up you are just left with the feeling of its touch on your skin.

I haven’t had this dream for years and I am wondering why it happened again. Actually, I am wondering what it really means.

This time its buddy. With him just holding my hand when we went to a museum-like place and while looking at all the exhibits he suddenly holds my hand, not letting it go even if we had to keep other people from seeing it. There was also a look in his eyes that’s like telling me its “ok” and it somehow comforts me. When I woke up, I can still feel his skin on my hand.

That dream was just so weird and comforting at the same time because I haven’t really had a decent conversation with buddy, especially now that he has a girlfriend. I haven’t even though about him for a long time.

I hope I know what it means. Is it just my subconscious mind taking over – am I secretly longing for him to come back in my life? Or is it him thinking about me and somehow I felt it? Is he thinking and or dreaming about me too?