Pandemic year 2

Its been more than a year since the covid-19 outbreak, I haven’t even finished my ‘pandemic blog post’ and here we are like dejavu, doing it all over again. Back to square-one and much worse.

Nothing has changed, thanks to our very inefficient President and government. With the even more infectious covid variants, the infections are fast rising causing majority of the hospital beds to be in full capacity. Alot of people still has no work, transportaion is still such a hassle and the much needed vaccines are not yet purchased.

When you think about it, its like our country has no way out of this pandemic because while all the other countries around us are getting vaccinated and moving forward, we are just sitting here waiting for nothing. People are getting so tired already — tired of getting scared and paranoid and tired of the uncertainty of it all.

I, personally, never imagined that anxiety will get to me because of this pandemic. I was called back to working on-site after a year of working from home, and though I am very grateful that I have work, my stress levels are far more than what I expected. I now get indigestion at the end of each day because of my being paranoid over the virus.

I had no problem wearing a mask and a faceshield before but now that its been over a year and that we have to wear double masks, it just makes me feel very tired and claustrophobic.. It is SO hard to breathe and I would find myself, more often than not, in a hurry and panicky just to enter the house, my only safe haven, to remove the masks and grasp for air.

I never thought I’d find myself feeling so tired to face another day just because breathing is such a heavy task. Even more so, I never thought I would miss breathing normally.

My hands have turned so wrinkly and dry because of the alcohol and disinfectant wipes that has now become a part of our lives to use ‘generously’ because everything you touch might get you sick. My own phone’s biometrics could not even recognize my fingerprints anymore.

I really hope that this pandemic ends soon, and though it might not be back to our usual ‘normal’ ways, a little bit of normalcy would be fine just to touch base with how things were before.

2020 Christmas

This year’s Christmas is extra-ordinarily quiet — no full-on celebrations and Christmas parties because of the pandemic.

As for me and my relatives, we are going to have our own virtual party on the 25th. Which I kind of like, because some of us are out of the country and so it being virtual, everybody can join.

I’ve been missing Christmas for years now and this pandemic made me miss it even more. Everything and everyone seems to be so distant, you won’t even feel the Christmas spirit anymore.

I went to the grocery and mall the other day, but the usual Christmas rush is not there. I haven’t even seen anybody that entire day carrying a Christmas gift or a Christmas Package from their offices.

Its so strange and sad how much this pandemic changed all our lives so instantly.

But I still wish for everyone to have a very meaningful Christmas with their loved ones and to enjoy their time together even of it is just virtual.

As for me, I am currently enjoying my time alone (once again) — crocheting with pets on either side of me, re-watching Dawson’s Creek. Really missing ‘my’ good old Christmas days.

🎄

34th year

Not my normal birthday blog this year, just cause I’m still going through something and I need to just let it out.

Its my birthday tomorrow and I just finished malling and taking my sister out to lunch. I missed it/her. I’ve been waiting for this the entire week hoping that it is a light to my dark tunnel and thankfully, it was a very happy and pleasant sister bonding.

Now, I am waiting alone in the midst of people in a foodcourt for my constant while he bonds and eats with his ‘new friends’ cause it is also the ‘sick-one’s’ birth month and they just need to eat out (The f*ck with that) Boring as hell and its killing my mind.

Jealous rant alert: 11 years ago, I am the celebrated one. He celebrates with me the whole month of March cause its my ‘birth month’ and now I have someone else to share that with. Promises to text me or call me all time but haven’t heard from him since they got to where they were eating and keeps me waiting.

I HATE his new friends. Especially the bitch one. I am forced to accept them and I just can’t do anything about it. And THIS, is truly killing me — emotionally, mentally, physically.. it is literally draining every bit of kindness I have in my heart and I am at my lowest, saddest, hate-filled state..

The worst thing about this is that I can’t even share what I feel to anybody. Yes, we have had our ‘couple-talks’ about the issue and he assures me time and again that he will never chose the bitch over me. BUT why do I still feel this way and its even worse now that I have no choice but to accept it.

The hate is just so unbareable because it has taken over my heart and mind and it is driving me crazy because I have to ‘act’ ok, smile and be happy!!

I need to stop. Worst feeling ever!

Happy birthday to me tomorrow and thank you God for another year. I will be holding on to you so tightly this 34th.

😿😾

To Year 2020

Happy new year!

This year is starting with SO MUCH and I can already feel like its going to be super packed (with alot of things to think about and do and pay etc).

Just thinking about it makes me giddy and frustrated at the same time because I have so many ideas and plans that I don’t know how and when to start making them a reality.

And so I have been reading and listening to inspiring people and I’ve learned that I need to slow down a bit and take it one step at a time.

One of them also mentioned that writing your goals/plans or plotting your year ahead helps alot and even serve as an encouragement because you feel a sense of fulfillment everytime you get to tick something off the list.

And ‘so far’ I came up with these goals for this year:

1. Getting it on with crocheting — among all my life goals, this is the one that drives me crazy (frustating and exciting). I have this dream of putting up my own crochet boutique BUT in order to do that I have to develop my skills ‘even more’.

To do that, I need to stop looking for inspiration and shopping for more yarn. I need to actually do different projects and try out new stitches.

2. Write ALOT or at least write more (same goes with reading) — This has been my goal for years now. I want to write a novel, but I have to make sure that I can actually finish pages (in writing and reading) first.

3. Fix my health — exercise and lose the weight

4. Get more remote/freelance work — for the extra income

I still have alot in mind but I guess keeping the list short makes it look ‘doable’ and would somehow help me achieve them *fingers-crossed*.

Happy late year 2020 greeting to all of you, wishing all of us, all the good things this year has to offer.

Cheers for a great new year!

😸

A year, nine months and twenty-one days older

A VERY belated new year and birthday to me!

I intentionally haven’t written for months and have skipped the annual year-ender because I’ve been worriedly thinking about my future and all the things to come (including my parents’ vacation).

It was an act that’s definitely not me, cause I am someone whose faith is like that of a child — trusting and worry-free. I haven’t lost my faith (don’t get me wrong) it just probably comes with age — you think about ALOT of things.

I have also been very busy keeping myself distant from people because for once in my life I felt like my life is going nowhere. Everything just seems like a well-thought plan that is kept in a journal, perfectly planned but not executed — more like a really good dream to say the least, which made me feel really sad and helpless.

And so now, I ‘feel like’ I have finally recovered a little bit and found that urge to write again.

I still feel lost today — I guess more lost than ever because I HAVE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO, but I still can’t do them and it is so frustrating.

One good thing about the past months is that a shit-load of years-worth of secret has been lifted off my chest. Yes, we are official, at least to my immediate family. It was so unexpected but I can not believe its finally out there. I feel that its not yet fully accepted but I trust that it is going to work out just fine and we’ll get there and THAT makes me happy (really, really happy).

As of today though, my sister is still not happy about it and although I totally understand why she’s against it — when I have explained it to her like a thousand times (and more) her personal attacks are slowly penetrating me and it hurts like hell to a point that I am beginning to feel like I really have no sister to lean on to and I am really starting to feel so sad, full and tired of it all.

Until now, I still dream of the day when she would finally listen to me and trust my decision. I guess by then I would really be truly happy (and I hope that, that is also what she wants, because as of today, she has made it her life’s mission to make me feel bad about choosing to stick with my constant and of what is to become of our future together).

Annnnd alot more has transpired this 2019 — some ups and alot of downs.. but yey! cause I survived again. THANK YOU JESUS! I am still sane and holding on to my faith really tight.

😽