Cheers to my 31st!

Since my birth-month is nearing its end, I would like write my birthday blog before I forget about it again.

Woooh! 31. Time flies. And like what I normally do during my birthday, I spend a whole lot of time re-reading past blogs and thinking about my what-could-haves and soon after feeling victorious about what I have achieved and what I have become. 

A friend told me that it was kind of sadistic of me to keep doing that because it reminds me time and again about events that hurt me more than the happy days of my life. I agree, but I always liked remembering because somehow thats what keeps me going. It makes me feel sad on my happy month but a few days after a gush of happiness fills my heart because I made it! I’m not sure if that makes sense to others but it does to me. 

So this year, I realized I am heaps older and I’d like to think wiser than when I first decided to start blogging. I’ve revamped this blog quite a few times and until now its kind of still unsuccessful hahaha.. I would love to be successful this year.

Nothing too grand for my birthday but it was special because I was able treat my sister out for lunch. She gave me a pair of cute silver sandals, which I still haven’t used yet and my parents and my sleepy greeted me. And that was more than enough for me.

I have lived 31 years with God beside me and I intend to keep it that way because He makes things better all the time.

Cheers to more years, ’twas a happy birthday indeed.

❤ 

Status

Happy heart’s day

Heart’s day this year is super simple for me.

I guess its true that when you are with someone for a really long time, its the little things that they do that touches the very core of your heart.

Normal day — nothing grand and we both went off to do our normal routines after greeting each other Happy Valentines for like more than 5 times (at different situations). I was not really expecting any form of celebration or gift from him but at the end of the day he still gave me a rose and we ate.

My dad, mom and well I was the one who greeted my sister also sent love greeting to each other.

Though these are super simple gestures, my heart was full that day and I felt true happiness – especially at a time when you feel that love and happiness was too far to reach.

He also prayed again that day and it felt so good because I know that his faith was still there – weak and struggling, but its still there and that is more than enough for me.

Thank you Lord.

Happy heart’s day

Tell me

Ok, this is not exactly the first blog I wanted to publish for 2017 but i just can’t seem to understand and maybe someone could help me understand.

Ive been living a faith-based life for as long as I can remember and I would like to believe that that is what keeps me going. I feel strong when I think about it, how it changed my life, how it never failed me. Inspite of what I go thru time and again, I believed and I kept going.

I have always prayed to have a partner in life who have the same faith that I have so I could go to church with him and bring my future kids to church and make them join sunday school. And it did happened. Last year was really great for him (faith wise) as a matter of fact, he has more fire in him compared to me. Then this happened.

We have been hoping and praying for blessings in terms of work for years now. Yes, last year God gave us that, he was finally able to work, got his dream position but the salary was not that much – but he didn’t care. He worked his ass-off and yet it ended up being the worst company he has ever set his foot on – his efforts was not worth it at all. He resigned and thought maybe its a sign that we should just go ahead and rebuild our business again.

In faith we started to go with our plan, we did not have any funds for projects but we kept on looking for clients. Praying that big companies would notice us and give us a chance – coupled with provisions for funds. We looked for part time jobs every single day so we could earn money to fund our future projects – but there was none available and we prayed to win lottery jackpots. Too desperate for a changed life.

We walked on our belief that if we do our best and let God do the rest then it (our efforts) will be blessed. Soon enough we did get an invitation to present for a big company and we got in – we have yet to pitch for the projects but at least we are considered one of their suppliers. Then just a few days ago, I finally got a chance to get the contact details of another big company and as I wrote the email, I prayed to God that at least make them notice us and give us a chance. God’s answer was fast that day because when I got home my partner said that we were invited to present and to bid for a really big project – today.

We got all excited because its a chance of a lifetime and would open doors for us – both for a new career for him and for our business but then after a few hours of making the quotation we realized that our funds were not sufficient for it – totally not sufficient. It was so devastating because no matter how we look at it, there is no one who could lend us that amount of money. The startig  target date of the project is this monday and even if its one month away we can not produce that money to fund it. So now, thinking about it, if we can not fund this project, how the hell are we going to fund the projecrs for the other company – its amount is three times bigger than this!

Now tell me because I don’t and can’t understand, why did God even allowed us to get this close to our dreams and smack our faces as if saying “too bad you don’t have funds” when He knew that we have been making efforts of trying to get funds before this ever happened.

All we ever wanted was a life that is stable. GOD knows how kind my partner is, that even if he doesn’t have a job, and someone asks him for help to get a job, he never thinks twice and looks for someome to help that person get a job. That even if we don’t have enough money, if someone comes up to him, he would help them even in the littlest way. Yet we get this, the feeling of “so near yet so far” and its painful because we trusted, we believed and we changed for the better.

I am sure GOD knows our intentions well that all we wanted to do is to provide for our loved ones and share blessigs to them and yet GOD chooses to bless those who are bad and not deserving – because we know people who tricks and swindles others and yet they are the ones showered with oppportunities and a great wealthly life. While people like us who chooses to live a fair life and hoping for a better life gets smacked!

I don’t understand! Why?! Then GOD asks why most of his people chooses to back slide?

God got his heart already and now he is struggling to believe again and it hurts so bad because I believe GOD knows his intentions well.

No chance for the good ones to have a stable and great life I guess.. We just drool while fools enjoy a wonderful life!

Talk about fairness from a fair God.

Tell me

27th – denied!

“Sorry but I won’t grant you a visa..” is what Salma-look-alike told me after just four questions. Handing me a blue paper that, according to her will explain why I got denied.

Seeing that it was obviously a generic letter I asked politely why I was not granted a visa, but she shrugged me defensively pointing at the paper saying that it will explain to me why.. I smiled my sarcastic smile even if she was not looking at me (she never really looked at me!) and left.

After a few hours, I remembered the blue paper and even if I already know whats written on it (from my cousin’s experience) I read it.

In both English and Tagalog languages it said (in summary)… That I was not able to prove that I will be coming back to my country.. REALLY?!

First. How can you prove anything to someone who wouldn’t even look at you – as if implying that she could care less to whatever I say. I would probably appreciate any hint of interest or even a look in the eye trying her hardest to feel me or read my mind if I am sincere, but no, nothing like that or even close to that.

Second. She just asked me four basic questions super briefly (almost felt like it was a one-sentence script with half a second pauses). NO follow up questions whatsoever and typing her heart out. “whats your job, where do you work, how many years have you been working there and does your parents live in the ****.”

Third. If only she interrogated me longer and if she tried to look me in the eye, she would have at the very least felt my sincerity.

God knows I have no intention of over staying there. I LOVE my job so much (that if she only asked, she would have known that I was just recently appointed as a team leader with so much responsibilities to even think of leaving for so long). I just wanted to visit my parents because I miss them and to see nice places and experience snow (too childish – but hey, thats the truth). She doesn’t know this because she judged me instantly.

I am not frustrated because I didn’t make it and quite frankly, I have prepared myself for the worst, what frustrates me is the feeling of being judged right away without having been able to defend myself or really PROVE myself to her (just to her because with the other foreign consuls, at least I can hear that they were really being questioned – I would have loved that even if it would seem like they were feeling suspicious about me).

Also, it would have been a little less frustrating if instead of pointing to a generic explanation, you let me/us know the real reason why you denied us so we can assess if we will try again next time. And if its our money that you want (knowing how much Filipinos dream of going to your country), then just say it, I could have just donated 7k willingly than having felt getting ripped off.

Ohhh and add the rude and snobbish treatment Filipino workers treat their “kababayans” applying for a visa. They are like wild foxes circling and taunting helpless sheep wanting to get to greener pastures. You guys don’t need to be rude and sarcastic especially to the elderly. You don’t need to be sympathetic or overly kind, just polite and respectful after all you are still workers who work for them (foreign nationals) and not one of them.

So thats that. The experience is really funny (bec of the people you see and observe) and frustrating – not really traumatizing. I would not think twice to try it again but not anytime soon. So Salma (look-alike) – ’til we meet again (secretly wishing not to be assigned to your window next time. You are such a narrow-minded person!)

27th – denied!

23rd

ATM: watching the tv series Younger – really, really love it and Hilary Duff, but somehow it makes me feel old hahaha.

I can totally relate, not with the age but with the what ifs. Not that I regret the decisions I made, but just wondering what if I took the other way? It would be nice to have another chance to do things over again.

In other news, my cousin tried to apply for a visa but got denied – and it kind of feels awkward because you don’t really know what to say to someone who’s been super kaduper eager to get one but then gets denied.

I heard her mom told her that maybe it’s not yet the right time and the dad said that at least she experienced how it feels to apply and all… But she still feels so frustrated and I guess I can’t blame her — because she really wanted it so bad.

It will be my turn on Tuesday though, lets see what fate has for me. I am not as eager but I can imagine I will still feel a bit sad if I get the thumbs-down because 7k is 7k. We’ll see what happens, I’ll keep you posted on the experience. 

That is it for today plus the weather is a bit gloomy so nap time and then back to my Younger marathon in a bit.

23rd

unpredictable

GM

 

Life really is very unpredictable.

I am at a loss for words these past couple of days (weeks even) after receiving news about the unexpected passing of our dear friend. Its a first for me to know someone so close to die because she allegedly committed suicide or of a possible foul-play.

She was an adopted batch mate who eventually joined our group of friends and in our circle — she is “Ms. positive”, she would always have something good to say and probably her mission to keep us going when we feel so down. She never spoke-ill of anybody no-matter what (as in, no matter what). That is why its so hard for us to accept that she would give up, let alone take her own life.

But if she really did this to herself, then at some point, I feel a bit responsible because I was never there for her — never really made an effort to ask how she was because the last time I spoke to her was way back in HS (that’s 13 years ago) while I kept close contact with our other original friends. We all feel bad about this because, like what our other friend said, “.. we probably appeared unapproachable and judgmental because she never came to us to open up or share what she’s been going through..”. We settled on believing she was truly happy from her facebook posts and captions and from the little convos the others had with her (she would always say she’s doing fine and she’s ok and she’s happy) and it’s only now that she’s gone, that we knew of her having a really hard time at work because she was being bullied and the thing about her family and her love-life PLUS the fact that she was living in another country away from her comfort-zone. Maybe it came to a point where she felt like there’s no more hope, and everything is just too much for her to handle, that while she was always there for others, nobody is there for her – we will never know. I guess its true that things aren’t always what it seems — we should have been more sensitive.

BUT if this was done by someone else (investigations are on-going) then that bastard should rot in hell because I believe, she doesn’t deserve that! And I really pray and hope she gets justice for this!

I know that it is pointless to say sorry now for not being there for you but I will pray that you find the peace that you want, the justice you deserve and the healing for your family.

You will be missed.

unpredictable