unpredictable

GM

 

Life really is very unpredictable.

I am at a loss for words these past couple of days (weeks even) after receiving news about the unexpected passing of our dear friend. Its a first for me to know someone so close to die because she allegedly committed suicide or of a possible foul-play.

She was an adopted batch mate who eventually joined our group of friends and in our circle — she is “Ms. positive”, she would always have something good to say and probably her mission to keep us going when we feel so down. She never spoke-ill of anybody no-matter what (as in, no matter what). That is why its so hard for us to accept that she would give up, let alone take her own life.

But if she really did this to herself, then at some point, I feel a bit responsible because I was never there for her — never really made an effort to ask how she was because the last time I spoke to her was way back in HS (that’s 13 years ago) while I kept close contact with our other original friends. We all feel bad about this because, like what our other friend said, “.. we probably appeared unapproachable and judgmental because she never came to us to open up or share what she’s been going through..”. We settled on believing she was truly happy from her facebook posts and captions and from the little convos the others had with her (she would always say she’s doing fine and she’s ok and she’s happy) and it’s only now that she’s gone, that we knew of her having a really hard time at work because she was being bullied and the thing about her family and her love-life PLUS the fact that she was living in another country away from her comfort-zone. Maybe it came to a point where she felt like there’s no more hope, and everything is just too much for her to handle, that while she was always there for others, nobody is there for her – we will never know. I guess its true that things aren’t always what it seems — we should have been more sensitive.

BUT if this was done by someone else (investigations are on-going) then that bastard should rot in hell because I believe, she doesn’t deserve that! And I really pray and hope she gets justice for this!

I know that it is pointless to say sorry now for not being there for you but I will pray that you find the peace that you want, the justice you deserve and the healing for your family.

You will be missed.

unpredictable

A Little Bit of sunshine

My two-year, year-ender written whilst feeling under the weather on the 31st of December 2015.

Actually, I could not specifically remember 2014 as vivid; my mind probably chose to forget the details as it felt too disappointing to even remember. But definitely had as much as the count of my heartbeat to thank for.

2015 on the other hand is the year where I literally felt that my world has gone too small. Too small to even want go out and enjoy or just do errands. Anger and emotional stress (because of anger) is what it was made of for me.

I guess I went through my mid-life crisis (seeing close friends and people who used to be special to me get married and have kids) thinking how my life could be as happy and normal as theirs if I was walking on a different path and not the one I am stepping on right now.

A year where I’ve sent like a gazillion CVs for dream jobs that I never received answers from or if I did it would be a sorry letter because I lived too far literally.

A year where I felt that even if I wished and prayed until my eyes and heart fall off, nothing gets answered or even heard — up until 1/4 of last year’s days were over.

BUT just like in Perrin Lamb’s song Little bit, “there is a little bit of sunshine in all you (we) do..”

SO, in the same year I was able to enroll in a boxing gym worked out for about 5 months and lost 15 lbs. , acquired a car and learned how to drive, became a godmother to the first born of my favorite partner-in-crime which I guess sealed our friendship forevs.. We (sleepy and I) are also expecting… not a baby but a sealed deal for a project which hopefully opens many more continuous opportunities and hoping to land him a regular job.

So YES!, I am still standing. Firmly. But hoping like I always hope every coming year that things would turn out better — really better. I still believe and will ALWAYS believe, that GOD is greater than all my worries, fears, doubts and problems and am thankful for everything that happened last year.

I claim that the best is yet to come for me this 2016!

 

 

A Little Bit of sunshine

Twenty-third

The waiting game. I don’t know what’s worse, waiting for the interview to start or waiting for that email that would literally change my life.

That unnerving, almost painful pulpitation you feel right beneath your lungs.The same feeling you feel when you are on top of a roller coaster hanging just before it slides deep down the rails.

I hope it ends soon (with of course a favorable decision).

Tick-tock, tick-tock

Twenty-third

Would you?

Imagine yourself depressed, down and sad.

You have your friends to talk to but you chose not to confide to them because you want someone else’ opinion. Someone you don’t know and someone who doesn’t have any idea who you are – an unbiased opinion – a new voice.

Someone comes and offers a listening ear and a few advises. Some sort of a friend from another part of the world.

Would you confide to this person?

Would you?

Innovations

How can you actually tell if someone has matured or just learned to accept in time? I can’t.

I just turned 27, and for the first time in my life I was just very accepting and thankful. Nothing wrong with being thankful because happy or sad, tragic or not, I am certainly grateful for what ever comes my way. Its hard sometimes, but God helps me get thru.

I’d like to think that my acceptance of what transpired for the last 26 years of my life is all because I am contented (not very, but at least for now I am) and not because I’ve given up.

I guess I can say this because, as I think about it now, I have nothing else to ask for myself but for God to grant me my prayers for someone else’ dream to come true.

As for myself, though I feel so blessed that I’m writing this with a satisfied heart, I still need to make some innovations in my life — for a (much) better me.

Thank you Lord for another year in my life. Through thick and thin, I know you’re always there for me and for those I love.

Innovations

New beginnings

Image

photo from livingwithgod.org thru google images

Happy New Year to all!

I have the slightest idea how I want to write my yearender, I actually haven’t thought of it that much..

2012 — I can say has been a balanced year for me, there were the constant downs and the unexpected ups but it was far from being too drastic, it was pretty fair.

A year filled with blessings such as merit increases and job promotions, new friends and new family members. Answered prayers and fulfilled dreams that I never really imagined I could do — I’m a legit diver now.

Of course my year wouldn’t be complete without the same old visit of mr sadness once in a while though not that much this year. I still feel so emotionally down sometimes but because of God I never felt alone.

I am thankful for the people I love and those who love me back and for good health and provisions. I can never thank God enough for everything he’s done and given me all the years of my life. 2012 may not be that perfect but Im grateful that I made it through with a contented heart and a smile on my face.

Now for 2013, with my whole heart, I lay my life on God, because without a doubt I know that it would be another worthwhile journey.

🙂

New beginnings