Been gone for a few months because life got too tough once again. I’ve never in my life, imagined I would get to a point where I got too consumed with my anger that turned into so much hate until one day, I could no longer feel anything at all.
I guess that is both good and bad – for me at least. Good because then I can say I am slowly moving on (I’d like to think, I am healing at some point), and bad because sooo much hate turned to forgetting them and not wanting them to be part of my life, like I don’t give a damn about them.
So in line with the passing of all the Halloween/Death month I am posting this. RIP to my once so angered heart (and hoping against hope that it will not be triggered) and my care to those who do not care (about me) – I am so DONE with all of you.
My “dementors” ruined the person that I once was and changed me forever – negatively. So I used to say that I will return the deed and ruin them as well. But time and chance did not go along with my plans this time and being that it got stuck inside my mind, my heart and my whole being (adding in new offenses they throw at me time and again) – crushed me to pieces.
At that point I have to admit, I felt cornered, alone and lost – a hundred times and more. There were times when I woke up at night because there were tears in my eyes and my heart is pulpitating. No one to share the pain and anger with because its true that nobody REALLY understands what you are going through.
Even more worse is the reality that the people ruining you are the people you’ve spent almost half of your life with, people who sort-of honed me while growing up and who I listened to and followed when I was young. I have never imagined that I will personally experience the truth that the most painful heartbreak you will ever get will come from those who are closest to your heart – I never imagined that they, (of all people) would do these to me, never! (Considering all the Christian values they still speak of).
But I am still blessed, because my faith is strong and it kept me going. Although I do not literally hear an answer when I talk to God, I felt it, in more ways than I could ever count – He never left me.
He also gave me someone who I shared some similar sentiments with and knocked a bit of sense to my emotionally lost self.
Sooo now, I’d like say goodbye because you all are so tiring and I have a whole life to live and fix ahead of me. You’ve ruined much of it and me already and I am not going to make you win anymore!