Anger > hate > bye!

hallow

Been gone for a few months because life got too tough once again. I’ve never in my life, imagined I would get to a point where I got too consumed with my anger that turned into so much hate until one day, I could no longer feel anything at all.

I guess that is both good and bad – for me at least. Good because then I can say I am slowly moving on (I’d like to think, I am healing at some point), and bad because sooo much hate turned to forgetting them and not wanting them to be part of my life, like I don’t give a damn about them.

So in line with the passing of all the Halloween/Death month I am posting this. RIP to my once so angered heart (and hoping against hope that it will not be triggered) and my care to those who do not care (about me) – I am so DONE with all of you.

My “dementors” ruined the person that I once was and changed me forever – negatively. So I used to say that I will return the deed and ruin them as well. But time and chance did not go along with my plans this time and being that it got stuck inside my mind, my heart and my whole being (adding in new offenses they throw at me time and again) – crushed me to pieces. 

At that point I have to admit, I felt cornered, alone and lost – a hundred times and more. There were times when I woke up at night because there were tears in my eyes and my heart is pulpitating. No one to share the pain and anger with because its true that nobody REALLY understands what you are going through. 

Even more worse is the reality that the people ruining you are the people you’ve spent almost half of your life with, people who sort-of honed me while growing up and who I listened to and followed when I was young. I have never imagined that I will personally experience the truth that the most painful heartbreak you will ever get will come from those who are closest to your heart – I never imagined that they, (of all people) would do these to me, never! (Considering all the Christian values they still speak of).

But I am still blessed, because my faith is strong and it kept me going. Although I do not literally hear an answer when I talk to God, I felt it, in more ways than I could ever count – He never left me.

He also gave me someone who I shared some similar sentiments with and knocked a bit of sense to my emotionally lost self.

Sooo now, I’d like say goodbye because you all are so tiring and I have a whole life to live and fix ahead of me. You’ve ruined much of it and me already and I am not going to make you win anymore! 

💩

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Anger > hate > bye!

Ugh, stressed

Feeling a bit stressed this week not just because of work (a good thing though, since it has been a while) but of the car-thing coming up so fast.. Times like this, reminds me to ask why time flies so fast. 

Anyway, this week also, I finally decided to jump in and join the band wagon of people trying out something to make themselves lose weight. Exactly my third day on my road to fitness journey (the BeFab way) and I feel like nothing has changed yet, but I am slowly being able to control my food cravings (so yay!). I hope this pays off because I want to be how I used to be 9 years ago (I think).

Also just finished watching the whole 7 seasons of Pretty Little Liars and am missing them like heaps but I am not a big fan of how it ended (that would be on another blog).

I feel blessed though that I think, I finally found a small company who could give me continuous freelance projects for extra income. Projects have been slowly coming in and I hope the company booms so that Ill get showered with more projects from them (keeping my fingers crossed).

Thats it for now, Ill update soon.

Ugh, stressed

Le dream

Good morning!

Its that dream again – the dream that feels so real like it really happened but when you wake up you are just left with the feeling of its touch on your skin.

I haven’t had this dream for years and I am wondering why it happened again. Actually, I am wondering what it really means.

This time its buddy. With him just holding my hand when we went to a museum-like place and while looking at all the exhibits he suddenly holds my hand, not letting it go even if we had to keep other people from seeing it. There was also a look in his eyes that’s like telling me its “ok” and it somehow comforts me. When I woke up, I can still feel his skin on my hand.

That dream was just so weird and comforting at the same time because I haven’t really had a decent conversation with buddy, especially now that he has a girlfriend. I haven’t even though about him for a long time.

I hope I know what it means. Is it just my subconscious mind taking over – am I secretly longing for him to come back in my life? Or is it him thinking about me and somehow I felt it? Is he thinking and or dreaming about me too?

Le dream

7th

Oh hello.

Its July and nothing significant has happened yet except that the car-thing and the money-thing has subsided and put to halt for another month. Which reminds me, I really NEED an extra gig right now. It makes me furious everytime I remember how Upwork kicked me out of their system. They really have their way of ruining others lives and it sucks because its unfair!

On the other hand, I found a way to somehow take my mind off of my stressors (somehow) by watching Pretty Little Liars. It’s so good and I know Im sooo late to appreciate (like 4 Seasons late) BUT it is so good. Brings back a whole lot of young-feels memories when life seemed so highschool-life-complicated.

I miss how my life was like before. Oh well.

Anybody in here knows the best replacement for Upwork. Please!

7th

Best sax ever!

Actually a late post but I still can’t get enough of it. This is so far the best thing that ever happened this year.

Kenny G! in Manila and I got to watch it with sleepy – our very first concert date. I have only dreamed of being in Kenny G’s concert and it FINALLY came true! I can’t believe it!! One marked out of my bucket list!

I’ve been a big fan ever since I was in HS and listening to him over speakers or headphones is totally, totally, totally different from listening and seeing him perform live.. It gives me shivers and goosebumps especially when they played “Titanic’s themesong” — OMG! With all those lights and fog effects!

Although it was kind of sad because instead of sharing the extra tickets with my sister, I shared it with the daughters (which is why I pray that things will get better soon and acceptance be near) and that the concert was delayed by an hour and a half, the night is still super special – because I am with mi amore and Kenny! Truly unforgetable and amazing!

Nevermind eating late dinner at McDonald’s after the concert wearing “concert attires” hahaha..

Also my first time enjoying the perks (getting free passes) of working in the broadcast industry and it is well worth it..

More to come please!

Best sax ever!

Cheers to my 31st!

Since my birth-month is nearing its end, I would like write my birthday blog before I forget about it again.

Woooh! 31. Time flies. And like what I normally do during my birthday, I spend a whole lot of time re-reading past blogs and thinking about my what-could-haves and soon after feeling victorious about what I have achieved and what I have become. 

A friend told me that it was kind of sadistic of me to keep doing that because it reminds me time and again about events that hurt me more than the happy days of my life. I agree, but I always liked remembering because somehow thats what keeps me going. It makes me feel sad on my happy month but a few days after a gush of happiness fills my heart because I made it! I’m not sure if that makes sense to others but it does to me. 

So this year, I realized I am heaps older and I’d like to think wiser than when I first decided to start blogging. I’ve revamped this blog quite a few times and until now its kind of still unsuccessful hahaha.. I would love to be successful this year.

Nothing too grand for my birthday but it was special because I was able treat my sister out for lunch. She gave me a pair of cute silver sandals, which I still haven’t used yet and my parents and my sleepy greeted me. And that was more than enough for me.

I have lived 31 years with God beside me and I intend to keep it that way because He makes things better all the time.

Cheers to more years, ’twas a happy birthday indeed.

❤ 

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