by carebear

Oh life.

Blogged this sometime last year but I never got to finish and publish it for some reason. Now that I read it again, I guess it’s worth publishing after all.

Life has been so hard for me lately, in all aspects – love, family, career, money, and self. I never thought that it could be THIS hard.

Everything just went spiraling down since the beginning of 2022, wait actually 2019 and it never went back up.

I just feel so unhappy and unfulfilled. Dreams are not coming true, my plans and goals feel further away each year and my relationship with the people I love seems to either fade or have become damaged and ‘even more’ damaged.

I wasted so many opportunities, wasted trust (because of money), and had major money problems, and now, because of my desire to work from home, my 11 years worth of career is ruined because of a major employee case filed against me by our manager who hates me so much.

It just makes me so sad because I can’t believe that life would turn out to be this way for the ‘Cath’ I once knew – so full of hope, positivity, and joy that comes from within. Now, I’m just a damaged, sad person who pretends to be happy and unaffected.

I envy my friends and batchmates who now have happy family lives. Happy to be with someone they chose to love and marry, accepted by their families, and treated well. I don’t have that, and I am already losing hope that that would ever be possible for me.

I’ve been trying so hard and fighting too long, praying for acceptance and an open mind but it’s been 13 years and it just gets worse. I’ve always dreamed of having my future kids and husband become super close to my immediate family, having family trips, eating family lunches and dinners, and spending major holidays together but time and again, my sister firmly assures me that it will never happen. And that just makes me so sad and hopeless. It’s a dead end.

I guess it’s true what they say, that you can never get the best of both worlds because if I chose to marry my constant, then I lose my sister or my family.

by carebear

Pandemic year 2

Its been more than a year since the covid-19 outbreak, I haven’t even finished my ‘pandemic blog post’ and here we are like dejavu, doing it all over again. Back to square-one and much worse.

Nothing has changed, thanks to our very inefficient President and government. With the even more infectious covid variants, the infections are fast rising causing majority of the hospital beds to be in full capacity. Alot of people still has no work, transportaion is still such a hassle and the much needed vaccines are not yet purchased.

When you think about it, its like our country has no way out of this pandemic because while all the other countries around us are getting vaccinated and moving forward, we are just sitting here waiting for nothing. People are getting so tired already — tired of getting scared and paranoid and tired of the uncertainty of it all.

I, personally, never imagined that anxiety will get to me because of this pandemic. I was called back to working on-site after a year of working from home, and though I am very grateful that I have work, my stress levels are far more than what I expected. I now get indigestion at the end of each day because of my being paranoid over the virus.

I had no problem wearing a mask and a faceshield before but now that its been over a year and that we have to wear double masks, it just makes me feel very tired and claustrophobic.. It is SO hard to breathe and I would find myself, more often than not, in a hurry and panicky just to enter the house, my only safe haven, to remove the masks and grasp for air.

I never thought I’d find myself feeling so tired to face another day just because breathing is such a heavy task. Even more so, I never thought I would miss breathing normally.

My hands have turned so wrinkly and dry because of the alcohol and disinfectant wipes that has now become a part of our lives to use ‘generously’ because everything you touch might get you sick. My own phone’s biometrics could not even recognize my fingerprints anymore.

I really hope that this pandemic ends soon, and though it might not be back to our usual ‘normal’ ways, a little bit of normalcy would be fine just to touch base with how things were before.

by carebear

2020 Christmas

This year’s Christmas is extra-ordinarily quiet — no full-on celebrations and Christmas parties because of the pandemic.

As for me and my relatives, we are going to have our own virtual party on the 25th. Which I kind of like, because some of us are out of the country and so it being virtual, everybody can join.

I’ve been missing Christmas for years now and this pandemic made me miss it even more. Everything and everyone seems to be so distant, you won’t even feel the Christmas spirit anymore.

I went to the grocery and mall the other day, but the usual Christmas rush is not there. I haven’t even seen anybody that entire day carrying a Christmas gift or a Christmas Package from their offices.

Its so strange and sad how much this pandemic changed all our lives so instantly.

But I still wish for everyone to have a very meaningful Christmas with their loved ones and to enjoy their time together even of it is just virtual.

As for me, I am currently enjoying my time alone (once again) — crocheting with pets on either side of me, re-watching Dawson’s Creek. Really missing ‘my’ good old Christmas days.

🎄

by carebear

34th year

Not my normal birthday blog this year, just cause I’m still going through something and I need to just let it out.

Its my birthday tomorrow and I just finished malling and taking my sister out to lunch. I missed it/her. I’ve been waiting for this the entire week hoping that it is a light to my dark tunnel and thankfully, it was a very happy and pleasant sister bonding.

Now, I am waiting alone in the midst of people in a foodcourt for my constant while he bonds and eats with his ‘new friends’ cause it is also the ‘sick-one’s’ birth month and they just need to eat out (The f*ck with that) Boring as hell and its killing my mind.

Jealous rant alert: 11 years ago, I am the celebrated one. He celebrates with me the whole month of March cause its my ‘birth month’ and now I have someone else to share that with. Promises to text me or call me all time but haven’t heard from him since they got to where they were eating and keeps me waiting.

I HATE his new friends. Especially the bitch one. I am forced to accept them and I just can’t do anything about it. And THIS, is truly killing me — emotionally, mentally, physically.. it is literally draining every bit of kindness I have in my heart and I am at my lowest, saddest, hate-filled state..

The worst thing about this is that I can’t even share what I feel to anybody. Yes, we have had our ‘couple-talks’ about the issue and he assures me time and again that he will never chose the bitch over me. BUT why do I still feel this way and its even worse now that I have no choice but to accept it.

The hate is just so unbareable because it has taken over my heart and mind and it is driving me crazy because I have to ‘act’ ok, smile and be happy!!

I need to stop. Worst feeling ever!

Happy birthday to me tomorrow and thank you God for another year. I will be holding on to you so tightly this 34th.

😿😾