My BIG FIX year

Hello 2018! A little late for my year-ender/year-opener because I wanted to test the waters first but anyway THIS IS IT! — the year I’ve been waiting for.

2017 was a really harsh year for me to say the least. Like what I have said on my previous post – the pain caused by people you trust and believed in is such that even if you want to fight back, you can’t anymore because your anger has eaten your whole being and it just paralyzes you. I am now more damaged emotionally than I have ever been before. I guess if there is one thing I have mastered for years, its being able to hide behind a smile and a laugh that seems like there is no more tomorrow. The trick worked wonders for me for many years but one really gets tired – everything has its end.

When I decided to move on with the anger and with my life apart from my relatives, I finally and truly gave it all up to God. I searched for answers for the whole of 2018, wasted my time on my anger, on getting back at them and for knowing the truth. I cried almost every night asking God to just show me who did all these, asking God what I did to those people because I believe I do not deserve such horrible treatment. I remember, towards the middle of all that, someone told me to let go because if you keep chasing the truth, it will never land on your lap. He said that, knowing your relatives, they will definitely bite their own tongues, that truth will come out — But I didn’t believe that and I chased until I got too tired.

Even after all these, I guess I am still blessed because besides the constant negatrons in my life, I have someone constant doing just the opposite — feeding me with positivity, hope and happiness. It was and still is a really big help because aside from God, he gives me strength and focus to move forward and rise above all these. And so, towards the end of last year, I promised myself to never look back and just focus on what I need to do for myself — its me time again! I learned in life that I need to be whole as a person again before I can truly give back to those who I really care about and for me to feel true happiness again.

At that time, maybe God felt I was ready and He gave me the answer I was searching for. What “my constant” told me was true! They (relatives) we’re the once who unknowingly gave themselves away. My aunt moved in with my parents and in one of their conversations just a week after they have settled, it slipped right out of her mouth asking “innocently” about a facebook photo she saw of me and someone (details of the story will be in another blog). Its funny because my sister never told anyone about that photo that was sent to her and you will never be able to see photos of that person unless you really researched about them/him because all their accounts are private and we have no common friends at all — the nerve of them really trying their best to research and come up with shitty stories just to ruin people! To think they were active church-goes and to look me in the eyes last Christmas when we met as if they have done nothing wrong!

I have to admit that when I heard about that I felt like I was ready to kill the dragon! It was what I have been waiting for! But my constant told me let it go and just let them be, because it was already victory for me knowing that I was right all along — that it was them and that it came out of their own lips. That my greatest victory is to show them that THEY were wrong!

I still get angry once in awhile but I am more determined than ever to move on from the hell-hole they put me in and just forget about them – literally. It sounds bad, but I believe it is the right thing to do, for me at least, because until I keep trying to include them in my life, I will never heal and they will never let me heal.

So for 2018, its time to rise and shine! Fix my self physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My fresh start begins with my parents visiting home after 3 years and opening up kept secrets for 9 years because its time to start with a clean slate. It will be tough but I know that that will just be at the beginning and acceptance is on its way. I know that blessings come in different forms and as always, God never fails to take care of me and look after me.

I can do this!

 

New beginnings

photo from livingwithgod.org thru google images

Happy New Year to all!

I have the slightest idea how I want to write my yearender, I actually haven’t thought of it that much..

2012 — I can say has been a balanced year for me, there were the constant downs and the unexpected ups but it was far from being too drastic, it was pretty fair.

A year filled with blessings such as merit increases and job promotions, new friends and new family members. Answered prayers and fulfilled dreams that I never really imagined I could do — I’m a legit diver now.

Of course my year wouldn’t be complete without the same old visit of mr sadness once in a while though not that much this year. I still feel so emotionally down sometimes but because of God I never felt alone.

I am thankful for the people I love and those who love me back and for good health and provisions. I can never thank God enough for everything he’s done and given me all the years of my life. 2012 may not be that perfect but Im grateful that I made it through with a contented heart and a smile on my face.

Now for 2013, with my whole heart, I lay my life on God, because without a doubt I know that it would be another worthwhile journey.

🙂

late year ender

Image from istock photos

“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands”

To start off my late year ender blog I’d like to greet everyone a very Happy New year!

In all fairness my thirty-first was totally different from last year’s. It went from most horrible to an “ok” event of my life (and hoping that it’ll be a “getting better” next year).

Anyway on with my year ender:

I’ve been thinking (as usual) and i gues my 2009 was my year of realizations and hurt.. Pure learnings about relationships and stuff. I’m considering it as my almost ultimate “trying time” (relationship wise) because i’ve been tested as to how much i love that certain person and how far i could go. And now, if someone asks me if i really love sleepy that would be a definite “yes” and im saying that just because i could close my eyes and just accept what he throws at me even if it kills me inside. But if someone would ask me if i think its worth it then i’d say “NO”..

But every year God never fails to make me feel that I am not alone, because in spite of all the pain and hurt i’ve been going through he’s still there and he still answers my prayers.I know that things happen for a reason and that God knows what’s best for me so i just have to go with the flow with that.

In all honesty, the only one who keeps me sane from all these is God so im holding on to him.

And so i can say that my 2009 was an “ok” year for me.. not a happy year, but an “ok” year..

my late year ender

And there it is…. Happy New year to all.. a fresh start for all of us.. and most certainly for me.. I guess for me this is more of.. “my entering the real world” year..

Of course i wouldn’t let myself forget tip-tapping down the things ive learned and the significant events of my life during ’07.. and here goes….

• On life. It is really short and health is really very important.
• On career. Well, i really really hate HRs really!! The company bouncers! It just isn’t very ethical to me just cuz they tell me they are very impressed with my performance and portfolio and they wouldn’t call back.. i wonder why.. is it because im still in school or is it because they weren’t really impressed..?! Hello?? just tell me the fucking truth so i can improve on whatever is wrong…
• On God. He’s my key to success!! He is the very reason i passed my thesis surprisingly with flying colors, and i know without Him i wouldn’t have made it!
• Believing in myself. Had my very first exhibit with my friends and it was such a success (even if i was terribly sick that time). And during that time i never really expected people to acknowledge my art as a “wow” art but alot of significant people did and it really made me feel like i do belong in this industry (finally).

Im graduating this year and im off to the real world! its a fresh start and i do hope and pray that all my life goals and dreams come true.. im extremely nervous but very excited..

Cheers to all!